Greetings. I've been wanting to make this article for ages but I've been lost without WHERE it'd belong. It's not long enough to be called "game". And even though I find most hentai material I've articled weird and unsexy, I refuse to believe there being ANYONE no matter how pathetic and no matter how desperate, who'd think this "game" would be erotic. |
Omechron: Which is probably why he went and got me to help out. I'll be taking care of that "pathetic and desperate" angle. Anyway, on with the show...
The game's title screen is already a huge warning signal rivaled by none. This game is as old as 1993 which means it must have been actually been made. Now here's hoping that it was NEVER ever bought by anyone. Since no matter how horrible person anyone is, they don't deserve to play this game.
Omechron: Hmm... well as amusing as I find an effeminated Woody Allen getting it in the head with a meat cleaver... just wow. I suppose I can blame the oldness for the general low quality of the graphics, but still... that really REALLY looks like a dude.
MR BIG T: I find Woody Allen getting it in the head with a meat cleaver more erotic than this game.
Stage 1: THE GAYS
OH GOD!! The first stage of the game "Gays" is where you push your controller left and right, while horrible "WHIP ME!!" echoes in the background and depths of my soul forever.
Omechron: You know, this actually kind of reminds me of a roleplay I had online last week. At least, if something like this was going on, it would explain the general incoherence of the whole thing. Why do they call this Rape Games anyway? Everybody's got big ol' celluloid grins on. I gotta tell ya, MBT, the last person I raped was not smiling like that. The art's kind of childish too. I wonder if this was actually intended to be funny instead of erotic.
MR BIG T: It's not funny when it makes me want to cry.
Omechron: I said intended. not successful.
Anyway, upon completing this "level" the game congratulates you, calls you HORNY bastard and then says "may the stick be with you..." which is already its own parody.
Actual AIM convoy with Zen:
Zen: wait a sec
Zen: Is that a hack of caveman games?
Me: Uhh, no.
Zen: Looks like it.
Stage 2 LICK IT
Kill me please...
The next level "Lick it" has you performing cunnilingus to the woman from the beginning. As Omechron already pointed out; exactly what does this have anything to do with raping? Here I was thinking I'd be seeing this Japanese hentai sim game, like SM teacher or something........ I dunno, anything other than THIS.
Omechron: Ah, it's the man-woman from the cover. Kind of spoils the dramatic buildup that we already know she's getting cleavered at the end, doesn't it? The angle here kinda prevents you from seeing anything interesting, which is probably a good thing in this instance. I gotta kinda disagree with that point. The judge told me that non-consentual Cunnilingus still counts as rape... even if you buy her dinner first. This country just isn't fair. However, this still isn't very thematic, since she appears more bored than frightened or aroused.
After you're done you get told "She is satisfied! Now it's your turn to get satisfaction!" and again wishing the stick to be with you. What makes the next stage interesting is it's description which calls the level "BIG DICK" and says "help tormentor to get erection" which has nothing to do with what you're doing.
Stage 3: BIG DICK
So umm... It's the title screen without censors. Seriously, how can anyone find this shit arousing? I bet even Solid Dragon would laugh his hairy eyeballs off rather than start wanking. (For anyone lucky enough not to know him; Solid Dragon was a guy who hanged around place called "Digimon Hentai Zone" and made stories involving death and mutilation)
Omechron: Well, I guess this kind of makes sense on some level. I mean, if you call yourself "tormentor" then forcing somebody to give you a hand job while you wave a meat cleaver around could be considered a good time... but... not if that somebody looks like a 70 year old post op transexual. I also find it interesting that the player character is so physically unapealing. Usually it's an effeminated pansy boy, an idealized muscle man, or they just go way out of their way not to show you. This is a pudgy fuck with body hair. Talk about too close to home. And what the fuck is going on between her legs?
MR BIG T: If you mean by her ass, I think he's forcing her to hump some sort of phallic instrument.
Omechron: Uh-huh... but what the hell is up with the metal tray that says "cencur" on it? Backward no less.
MR BIG T: Maybe it's a play on the word "censor" since this game is NOT censored so why even brother spell it correctly?
Omechron: ...too deep for me, man. Anyway. Move on.
This is the climacy. Did it feel good for you too baby?
Omechron: Okay... Uh... yeah. That's different. Man, that must have been one severely sharp cleaver. Also, there goes my theory about the pan being to catch the head when it falls. This game creator has some serious issues with The Golden Girls.
MR BIG T: That's not the only thing he's got issues at! ZING!
Omechron: Hey! I just figured out why they call it rape games!
MR BIG T: OH DON'T TELL ME!! It's painful mind rape?!?
Omechron: It's not exatly a game about rape. Rather, the game creator is raping the very CONCEPT of "games". Much like Pauly Shore and Will Ferrel rape the concept of "humor" whenever they make movies.
MR BIG T: HOLY!!! You're CORRECT!!!!! How can you be so awesome and yet not make love to me??
Omechron: Uh... sorry you're not my type. You're the wrong gender, too old, and too far away. Hey, if you commit suicide and reincarnate as a girl right away, we could do it in about 11 years...
MR BIG T: But what if I reincarnate into something else, like a cat?
Omechron: Then look for a chinese restaurant and try again :P
MR BIG T: And if all else fails, use fire!
I did not get ANY sort of satisfaction you piece of shit...
Comments, criticism, got pea into nose due to this?
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(c) 2006 by MISTER BIG T, for www.givemebeer.tk