Oh this movie is SOOOOO bad. I've wanted to make this article for ages but I've always been at loss of words due to the badness of the movie. This will be no doubt long article because there's so much wrong in the movie that words hardly do any justice to it.
One thing I can already say about the movie; its name is Galyon, the indestructible man. But the Finnish translation is "Gaylon". So now I can call the main character Gay constantly and not feel bad. Before going into the horror of this film, I'll first read out the first thing that's upright in the back of the videocassette; "Galyon goes for a dangerous search into a jungle!" and I wish I could say I made that up.
The movie begins with Gay punching throughout planks. This would be much more impressive if they’d be actual planks made out of wood. After beating all the planks he lets out a yell for no reason at all and runs off while the movie’s title comes to sight as he constantly yells “Galyon!!” in the background. And if you thought any of this had anything to do with the movie, you’ve obviously not read enough Give Me Beer articles. Interesting fact; No other part of this ancient tape bugs but this part where it goes haywire during his screaming. I guess that was too hi tech for my DVD/VHS machine to handle.
Next we slowly pan across a body of a woman in a swimsuit. As she jumps into a pool, there’s a man in a coconut tree watching at her. (??) Her boyfriend and she talk some crap and the coconut guy speeds off in a motorcycle. Anyway, just as the couple are having a walk gunned people stop them. They tell they are going to keep them as hostage before the US government releases their leader. Then the leader looks at his watch and says and I kid to you not: “In exactly 30 seconds, one of your oil drilling platforms shall explode.” And it does. Now this baffles me. What was the point in this? Not only if they would threaten to make the platform explode if their demands are not met it’d make more sense, but it would also make a more believable plot. Then again in that case, Steven Seagal would probably play leading role in this movie.
Instead of sending Steven, the father of the swimsuit girl decides to contact Gay because you know, Gay knows about animals and stuff. At the same time, Gay is teaching this half Mexican how to milk the venom out from snake’s fangs. Get used to lots of pointless scenes like this, there’s actually more of these than there’s scenes that’d be essential for the movie.
In the meantime, swimsuit girl and her boyfriend are talking shit when suddenly one of the gunmen comes into their hut as drunk. He punches the boyfriend into belly and gently places his gun over his back, which somehow makes the boyfriend faint. He then attempts to rape her by beginning to cut her dress open. Just then the boyfriend wakes up and begins to fight the knife away when there comes a gunshot! The leader gunman killed his own henchman because the hostages would be useless to him as dead. Well, so would his henchmen too but nevermind.
So Gay meets his old friend whom looks like Hercules Poirot if he’d be Mexican. After they summarize the plot of this movie again, a car speeds next to them and shoots Hercules into chest with a Uzi!! As Gay watches his lifetime friend have his usual sidekick dying speech, he looks more bored than sad as if he’d be saying “Come on and die already. Some of us have to go to work tomorrow still.”
Then Gay goes into a hotel and decides to spend a night in there. But as he’s washing his teeth he sees from mirror that a guy is about to come with a shotgun. The man comes and shoots the shower curtain full of holes. Keep that in mind it is important for the plot. (Really. No lie.) Anyway Gay comes out of a closet *insert comedic drum sound here* and kicks the guy few times. But oh noes! There’s an another man in the room who makes a jump kick at Gay! He swings around nunchakus and hits Gay into back many times with it. But Gay wants none of that and blocks with a chair only to be kicked through a door into hallway. As the ninja dude makes a jumpkick he falls down into staircase. Mysteriously, he falls to his death rather than on steps and ends up headfirst to floor.
Just then he gets a phone call and he’s told to stop this job. Just then he lets out his pent up rage and screams that this is now personal, they shot a hole into his shower curtain! Now, I could say that it was actually hotel’s and not his (Unless he brought it from his home with him, in which case I wholeheartedly apologize) but instead let’s rehab; His friend was just killed in front of his eyes. Yet he sees more reason to exact revenge because of a shower curtain. I… I just don’t know what to say anymore. “This is war baby!” he yells and slams the phone back.
So next he flies Los Palmeros to find someone called Miguel. There Gay is dragged into lassoing cattle. As I’ve already stated, this movie is filled with fillers like these that serve no purpose at all.
Back at swimsuit girl and the boyfriend are just busy speaking shit when the leader comes in to talk shit too. There’s nothing amusing in this scene aside his stupid beard.
As Gay is riding a horse, he finds a snake in a pond. He raises the snake up and begins to talk to it. (?!?!) Here’s some of the speech gay uses with the snake for God knows what reasons; “Well, it seems you’ve just swallowed a wild pig. It’s going to give you quite much to digest” while at the same time rubbing the snake all over. Then Gay walks off with his horse and as you guessed, this has nothing to do with anything aside bringing some serious questions of Gay's sexuality. *An another comedy drum*
So then Gay sees a puma chase an armadillo. Being a moron that he is, he decides to observe this event and we’re shown the whole thing. Uhhh gay? Did you forget you’re supposed to save hostages, not do nature documentary?
Some bullshit later, Gay decides to jump with a parachute into the jungle where the gunmen are. As he’s looking out for his equipment, he sees they’re on the other side of a swamp which he needs to cross. I guess Gay has never heard of the creatures that swim into your penis and make a nest into it, since he just calmly begins to walk through it. All this entire time, crocodiles that for some reason don’t do anything to him surround him.
The next morning Gay sees two panthers wrestle and then a snake versus a panther. Although in reality the snake would not stand any chance, it wins this time. Giving a smile that he wasted time to complete meaningless thing, Gay continues his journey. I was hoping this kind of a dialogue would have come in the movie.
Father of swimsuit girl: Gay! My girl died!! You could have saved her if you would have arrived only minutes earlier!!!
Gay: Yeah I know. But the panthers!! They were like sooooo awesome!!
So Gay meets his token black tribal leader friend who gives Gay an errand: Capture an anaconda and he’ll get a canoe and information where the gunmen are. So Gay goes unarmed with barehanded against a huge anaconda. The fighting scene is beyond pathetic and it’s not helped by the fact that you can hardly see what’s going on due to the darkness.
In the middle of night, the swimsuit girl and the boyfriend are nearly able to escape but he returns back for his briefcase and he is captured.
Next morning, they somehow found the girl too. Seems like the briefcase had something valuable in it and the leader of the gunmen is pondering what to do with it.
So Gay finally comes to where the swimsuit girl and boyfriend are being held and kicks everyone’s ass. So he says “Doctor and miss Livingstone, I presume?” which is a joke see. Go ahead, laugh. But the boyfriend insists that they get his papers back. And then he explains his thing; they contain plans for invading Saudi Arabia and taking over the oilfields!!! Or as he so well says “200 billion barrels of oil! The energy crisis of US would be solved!!” And now Gay is finally convinced that the document has to be gotten back.
So Gay and the boyfriend create a diversion by burning this random wooden shack where the gunmen’s ammo were. Mysteriously, there’s also kerosene. Anyway, as the gunmen are busy trying to distinguish the fire and move the ammo away, Gay kicks one gunman and even karate chops him into throat. I forgot to mention earlier but there was this pointless sub plot where two shirtless gunmen had captured this random woman at one point of the movie. It really served no purpose other than that Gay tells her to run for it in this scene.
But such moves that would have demolished a normal human are no match to the gunman as he soon gets up and begins to shoot with his gun! No, not towards Gay since he doesn’t even see him anymore. He just randomly shoots towards jungle. Great shooting partner, I think you killed a seagull!
But Gay is not without tricks himself! He throws a grenade into one of the huts and makes it explode! But wait, when did Gay get a grenade? And if he always had it with him, why didn’t he also bring a gun? Or does he always carry grenades with him, even on spare time?
Being idiots that they are, the heroes don’t even sabotage the other canotes before they leave thus allowing the gunmen to start following them. As the gunmen get into shooting range, none of them hit even the canote which is quite big and doesn’t exactly move all that fast. To add insult to their injury, they’re not able to hit any of the heroes even though they take long time getting off the canote and Gay even stops his running for a moment and looks directly at the gunmen. He must have poked his tongue out and say “Nyah nyah!” while giving a slap to his buttocks.
Now Gay goes after the gunmen. First gunman falls victim to Gay’s karate chop and then foot trip move! The next one he jumps from behind and pummels to ground before punching him into neck! Is there no end for Gay’s homicidal rage?
As the leader gunman reaches the boyfriend he yells “I don’t want you, I just want the briefcase!!” As the boyfriend turns around, the leader shoots him. Wait, why did he shoot him when just clearly stated he didn’t care of him? And seeing as he was about to surrender the briefcase, didn’t he just waste ammo?
Before he can ponder this himself Gay comes and kicks his gun away! He then elbow punches him into chest and uppercuts him into water! He sinks slowly downards while screaming “Piranhas!” Gay watches the man devoured with experession as if he’d almost get a boner from it.
So the final gunman, the gunwoman finds the girlfriend and gets hold of her. As the two wrestle, the leader again raises above the water to scream more about piranhas. Then we see a stock footage of a crocodile for some reason. Next we return to girlfriend who finds a stick. He slaps the gunwoman twice with strength of a baby. She lands the finishing blow to her back which packs as much of punch as teethless man’s bite. The gunwoman falls into a swamp and the girlfriend tries to poke her with the stick. I guess the director wanted us to believe she was going to save her but it is so badly done that it looks like the girlfriend was just giggling and poking the woman with a stick while she was slowly sinking.
Finally the stock footage crocodile eats the leader gunman. And the girlfriend runs to her boyfriend. Despite being shot like 10 minutes or ago into lungs, he’s able to speak pretty well. This is the dialogue exchange what happens.
Boy: We… We made it… My… My briefcase?
Girl: It’s here.
Boy: *heavy breathing* Papers?
Girl: Don’t do anymore talking.
Boy: I… I… I admit it was a lousy idea… *dies*
Girl: Martin? Martin?? *begins to cry* Martin!!
But this movie is not over yet! (Sadly) Remember Miquel? Yeah, me neither. Anyway they return back to him but he’s been shot! It turns out it was a guy in blue shirt with bad taste of hair and mustache. He wants to be taken back to civilization or something.
So he, Gay, and girl begin to fly towards Brazil. The man looks out from window and says “What a rough terrain” which sparks the fighting spirit of Gay and makes him say “Go have a closer look!” He wrestles for the gun and forgets now no one is flying the plane. Yeah, Gay was never too smart. Anyway, the plane begins to fall and the girl is just starting at the controls and screams for help. Gay actually has to tell her to pull the control stick to be able to fly, thus proving that in old movies women can’t do anything without aid of a guy.
Finally Gay wins the wrestling and karate chops the man into throat. Suddenly we are shown stock footage of battle cruisers and jet planes taking off from them. Stock footage of planes flying and the girl is happy that they got an escort. So she asks him a favour to get rid of the papers and they throw them out of the window. You know, the same papers the boyfriend died for. “For a conservationist, you certainly are one hell of a litterbug.” she says and he laughs, because he is a moron. And that’s the end of this wonderful (not) movie.
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(c) 2005 by MISTER BIG T, for www.givemebeer.tk