There's times in person's life when they ask themself "is this the worst movie ever?". This question I've asked myself many times. Always there's been something redeeming. But now that day has came. Get out of the way Sign, The Phone and The Grudge! For now comes...
This movie is baaaaaaaaaaaad. And that's a understatement. This is THE worst movie ever. It's not only bad it's boring as hell.
The movie begins with everything outside looking blue and people in caveman gear going around looking for food. One of the older members gets stabbed by a spear. Seeing their friend and ally die, what words shall our heroes share? What actions shall be taken?
"It's okay, he was an asshole anyway."
To me, a movie beginning with insulting a guy who just died out of a hunting accidents is not exactly a good way for you to get attached to characters but hey, I'm just a mere viewer and not the allmighty director.
Then the movie's awesome dialoque begins.
"And then he showed me his spear!!!" - a girl talking about a rape
"My body is a temple and my semen is a holy sacrament!!" - main hero's father
The main hero kills the father and he and bunch of teenagers escape outside.
Forget all about cavemen though. Now we're in a normal building for rest of movie with normal clothes. They explain this by that two survivors gathered relics from past. Then it is revealed. They're not normal cavemen. They are SUPER CAVEMEN!!! This leads to "funny" scenes where the people try out everything new. And a huge bad orgy involving lots of drugs and beer. And the movie's watchers sleeping.
Next morning, one of the girls is having a hangover and she stumbles around the halls. The super cavemen find her and put her on bed and her stomach explodes. Whoa, that's biggest hangover I've seen.
Bullshit later, one black guy goes off with other super caveman. The caveman is happy because the female super caveman likes his big penis, but the other super wants none of that and he punches his guts out. He carries the body to his friends and claims animals killed him.
They have a funeral of this guy and what I think is meant to be a touching scene, the super caveman holds the guy's underwear sniffs them (??!!) and says "He wore these always" before tossing them with into grave. Umm....Ewww......
After absolutely nothing signifcant happening for nearly 50% of movie the super caveman female fucks the main hero pretending to be this other girl he likes. Then their friend turns into super caveman too and the main hero is turned into super caveman too and they want that girl to transform to super too.
The original male super kills the male who became super and kills his female super friend and then begins to undergo some of the history's stupidest looking transformations.
The main hero then transforms too and the two duke it out 'til main hero finally wins. He tells the girl he can't come back for some reason.
Then he does return actually wearing pink leather pants and dress and says that he takes the children of his old tribe with him. And he does take and walks with them towards camera. To do what with them, we're fortunately never told as the movie ends.
I almost forgot to mention my favourite line from the movie. It is a great way to end this article
"You act like you'd be from a bad movie!" - Super caveman to other
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(c) 2005 by MISTER BIG T, for www.givemebeer.tk